One month today…

One month ago today I embarked on the biggest journey of my life – I walked away from a 25 year marriage and moved into my very first apartment! It was indeed the hardest, thought-out, soul-searching, painful, heart-wrenching and yet, most liberating decision I have ever made!

While I had been contemplating my decision for years & had been separated for months; running every possible scenario, emotion, feeling and thought in my mind – I tell you that nothing, and I mean nothing, quite prepares you for the moment when you walk away from a home you called home for 25 years, and into your new home, your new home as a single woman, a woman alone, and there is no one there but you, your soul, your spirit, your mind – you can hear your heart beat, and there’s no one there to tell you to quiet the sound down! Your knees feel like they are going to buckle but you have this inner strength that keeps you standing tall. You feel like you are going to burst, you feel like yelling “why” but instead you tell yourself “you got this”!

You realize in that moment that there is no turning back, that your life has just begun and that there is no room right now to cry, to hurt, to regret, to think too much about life (other than your own); that living in the moment must be first!

It is at that moment that you realize that life goes on, that there is in fact a tomorrow & a world of endless opportunities. That you can in fact endure anything that comes your way regardless of what your mind & others tell you!

It is at that moment that your life flashes through your eyes. It is then and through the next couple of weeks, that you realize who matters & what matters in your life – who is & was your friend, who is your acquaintance or someone you once knew; who was there for you – even if for a moment, and who continues to be there for you in your new journey ~

A month later as I sit laying on my couch talking into Siri because I’m too lazy to type the words that are coming out of my mouth, I realize how strong I am, how resilient I am, how blessed I am, and how loved I am by those that really matter! Those that took & continue to take the time despite their own personal opinions and feelings, to check in on me, to tell me that they were or are thinking about me, to send me positive vibes, and to send me strength and love because deep down inside they know that it is what I would need to get by. To send me notes of encouragement, or notes of gratitude because I displayed strength for many women who don’t have it!

Some days are easy and great, other days are mediocre but I get by, other days are amazing because I get to spend them with people who have added amazing energy to my soul & my life; other days are emotionally & mentally difficult and perhaps there’s that moment or need and/or urgency to cry – but yet no tears come – it is at that moment that I realize that I have cried & shed all the tears I can possibly shed; that my soul and heart are not as broken as I thought and was told they would be; that I am not lost or confused or regretful; that I now have an ex who has been civil & respectful of the process & my decision; that I have a couple of amazing friends left who always find the time to check in on a girl despite the strength I display to the world because deep down inside they get it; that I have an incredible community of support; that I am truly blessed to have my children; that I am incredibly lucky & blessed beyond words to have been allowed by the universe to explore a burst of energy that has been tolerant, patient, understanding, loving, giving and supportive of me.

I now know that I have had more good days than bad, and I owe it all to God, to the universe, to my amazing friends and support, to my children who love their mom no matter what, to me for loving me first, and lastly to an incredible force I call my energy!

I can write on and on and on, but I will end this post by saying that life does go on regardless of what you’ve been through, what you think you cannot endure, and that as women, we have this incredible strength that lies deep within our soul, and if you can reach for it – it will never let you down!

Peace, love & soul!
Lanette

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Only I can write my story….

I have not written a piece in a bit; a little over two months to be exact. Perhaps it’s out of laziness, or maybe it’s because there hasn’t been much time – but I really think it’s because so much has happened, and getting my thoughts on paper (well in my case a notes app) is a lot harder than one thinks!

Last piece I wrote was about living outside ones comfort zone, and not fully living if you’re living within safe boundaries! The piece before that was reminiscent of my childhood…. So it’s definitely time to write….

If you’ve read my posts before, then you know I’m quite the comedian, a realist if you will, an incredibly honest and forthcoming person, and one that truly believes (regardless of opinion) in sharing my journey because in some form or fashion, it helps to reaffirm all that is me, and helps to empower other women along the way!

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A friend posted the quote above on Facebook recently, and while I’ve posted hundreds of empowering quotes, this particular one stood out for me because it reminded me that “I” am the only one who gets to write my story.

Interesting ha? We all say this, know this, encourage others to believe this – but often, we are the ones allowing others to hold the pen and write on our behalf; we allow others to erase and rewrite sentences, change words, erase words, explain our ideas, give their opinions – leaving us with a piece written to the likes of others and not truly for ourselves! Get the picture?

Yes, one could argue that in the real world, whether we like it or not, we must conform in some way or another to that of others (children, partners, family, friends….you get the picture).

But for the sake of argument – let’s just all agree to focus on YOU! The importance of knowing that you are in control of you, that you truly can write your story, that while you can chose to accept the opinions of others – that you my friend, at the end of the day, are the author of your own story!

Like children who are born not yet knowing how to compromise (I know you’ve seen the kids walk the streets with rain boots and a cape in the winter – just because they said so!!) we too must dig deep within our soul, our essence, our innocence and not let our journey be derailed – we must stay true to our ideas, our words, our beliefs, and most importantly, ourselves!

I spared you the details of all that has gone on in my life the past 8 months…
the past three months in particular (I will share the ugly, the bad and the beautiful soon enough); but I will share this much with you now – I “have” been holding the pen and have been writing my story for the past 2 1/2 years!! It has not been the least bit easy – but it has been liberating, freeing, whole, and I tell you my friend that I have not put down my pen, I have not allowed others to use my pen (not even for a second), and I have not allowed others to sway me to write a different story!

I remain the author of my journey…..

I will continue to reach for the top and live as if I’m already there….

I will continues to be led by positive energy and the universe….

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Living outside your comfort zone…

“You live only when you’re living outside your comfort zone!”

A friend of mine recently posted a quote (paraphrased above) and I immediately had an “aha” moment!

I thought this was so on point – at least for me! I find that when I’m not challenging myself, my thoughts, my movements, my work, my children, then I am purely living within my comfort zone; leaving me with a sense of emptiness, a lack of fulfillment and excitement if you will!

Yet, when I’m pushing myself, working, thinking & loving outside of boundaries – it is then when I am most happiest!

Now, most people will tell you that living within boundaries is safe, secure, and the outcomes are almost always known! This is perhaps true… But who really wants to live a life when you know what the end result will be?

Call me a daredevil…

Like a palm tree, I am resilient, nimble & can overcome all that comes my way!

I’m all for surprises….

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105th Street

Good morning!! Waking up to the sounds of chirping birds….and kids yelling, sirens, car horns, school security yelling “let’s go, let’s go”, car doors slamming….did I mention, birds chirping? I think I hear them….or maybe it’s pigeons? Do they chirp? I know they shit…. lmao

As I stare outside what use to be my childhood home window, I am quickly reminded of my youth. My elementary school, my friends (many of whom I still have a relationship with nearly 30+ years later); my teachers; Ms. Tilson (who sent me to the principals office for sticking my middle finger out at her…lmao – still remember seeing my mother walk up the block to get me), Ms. Rivera (the sweetest and most caring 1st grade teacher ever), Ms. Balmaseda (who often used a ruler to smack your hands when you mis behaved – my friend Ernie always got his), Ms. Velasquez (I remember spending the night at her home with her kids; she was so amazing. This was her way of getting inner city kids out and exposed to other areas of the city – she lived in Brooklyn..lol), Ms. Phillips (toughest teacher yet – no words for her, just tough), Ms. Figueroa (2x)….flawless! Funny how I remember all my teachers but can’t remember to finish my taxes!

The park – while it’s had it shares of makeovers to cover up graffiti stained walls & steel swings & slides (I received about 4 stitches in my forehead because of those damn swings), I can’t help to remember the 105th Street Jams. A close family friend would gather up his equipment and with the help of the street lamp post & an extension cord, he’d plug his equipment in. “Let the music play”…..and the break dancing & battles begin! Those were the days! My 1st exposure and new found love of House Music and R&B!

Then there’s Grosvenor Neighborhood House! This is where my love for sewing began. I learned to make dresses, skirts, and to organize fashion shows. I took dance classes with the amazing Denise – i remember her saying: point & flex! I took photography classes with Chuck who quickly gave me the nickname “cheeks”! There was so much to be learned and I embraced it all!

People often ask, would you change anything in your past! My answer is always NO! I truly feel that your past, your upbringing, your experiences, the people you meet along the way – all of it shapes and mold who you are today; and I am a pretty amazing woman if I should say so myself! Why the hell would I want to change that?

#NYC #105Street #mamadukeshouse #myelementaryschoolisrightacrossthestreet #pigeons #memories #childhood #fun

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Scale of Justice – finding balance

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It’s been some time since I’ve written. Life has been super busy! From the daily happenings of a new job, to the daily happenings of life outside and inside of home – it’s been a constant juggling act. As I lay in my bed staring outside my window I realize that life is really about balancing it all, and how well you balance it can mean the difference between feeling stressed, consumed and unsure, to feeling at peace, relaxed & balanced (for lack of a better word).

Much like a “scale for justice”, there are days and moments when certain priorities outweigh others; sometimes there isn’t enough room to add more on the scale – causing it to trip.

But for me, and many others – the goal is often about balancing rather than trying to decide which is more important!

Life the past couple of months have been testy to say the least. My children have challenged me in ways that I often don’t understand but yet I “get”. It’s forced me to take a deeper look into my parenting skills/decisions; in some cases required me to raise my tolerance level, and in some form & fashion – forced me to take a step back and say “I can’t fix or change everything”! I’ve done my best, and some things are just meant to happen – for it provides experiences that shape our thinking, values, and decision making process! It even provides for a clearer definition of “accountability”!

My job has challenged me to think creatively & strategically! To realize and understand my pep peeves; to raise my tolerance level, and to help me to understand my own strengths and weaknesses! It’s given me a new found appreciation of what it means to manage, lead, empower and change. I realize that my skin is a lot thicker, and I am a lot smarter than what I give myself credit for!

Balancing it all is truly an art form. Takes time, practice, resiliency, endurance and even then, there is no perfection! Something will always come up that will make the scale shift! In a perfect world we’d like that scale of justice to stay equal on both sides…. But truth be told – we live in an imperfect world!

Wishing you all inner peace & continued balance ~

L>

To Love All

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I’ve realized that some people do and say things just to be accepted.

They need to tell the world that they are okay, that they love life, that they love you, that they love community, that they love it all – love is the answer!!

For some, this is actually true – kudos to you! These are the people whose actions speak louder than words!

But for many others, however, they are not okay with “self/love”, and this is the scary part because the only disservice they are doing, is a disservice to “self”. Saying and acting otherwise, really fools no one but yourself.

In fact, it can be perceived by others as fake, untruth, not genuine, not a real friend – a story teller.

It’s totally okay to say that you’re not good, you’re not feeling well, and while you want the best for others (love all), that perhaps you’re not in the right place.

This is not about telling the world that life is not perfect, that perhaps there are some things in your life that are not working the way you want them to be, or that perhaps your heart and your life isn’t as fulfilled as you let the world know it to be, but rather being true to you.

Like I’ve stated in other posts, other writings, and in conversations that I have had with some; before we can preach love, act love, live love, we need to “self” love!

I created this blog for many reasons, those reasons are in my bio – those reasons are explicitly stated in the dozen or so writings I’ve shared. But as life continues, and lessons are learned, I continue to grow and experience some real hard lessons – life.

I don’t mask with “love all” but rather challenge you, empower you, challenge the mind with thought, remind you all to be strong, to fight those inner thoughts that can often cloud your judgement, and finally, to love yourself first!

Don’t confuse the word “love” with “self-infatuation”! But more “love” in lenses of reflection, actions, behavior, problem solving…

#lovingmefirst

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Self-Love

Self-love sometimes requires a good-back-flip-kick-in-your-own-ASS!

Now, we all know we are often our worse critic! We look in the mirror and find every flaw. Something goes wrong and we blame ourselves (after we finish blaming others of course..lol). Perfectly natural to do these things; but we’re often told “we mustn’t be so hard on ourselves because we are perfect, or we tried our best”!

Blah blah blah…sometimes, we need to look in the mirror and say “shame on you, you dropped the ball, you f’ing messed up….”!

We need to read the words in the pictured quote below, own up & realize that we are not perfect, give yourself a hug and keep it moving! Moving after you’ve kicked your own ass of course (I dare you!). Because folks, sometimes with self-love, comes self-destruction! We are our worst enemy!

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Now that you’ve attempted to kick your own ass (by the way, how did it work out? Did you fall on your ass? That works too!) I want you to repeat this mantra over and over again (before you go to bed). Let’s imbed the words it speaks, let’s feel it, let’s own it, let’s believe it!

Peace, love & soul my peeps!

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